When bringing ideas into reality, we’re conditioned to believe we need to move quickly, go after our ideas with a passion, and when we become riddled with fear because of that conditioning, we make up that there’s something wrong with us. There is another way, that is far more sturdy and takes the pressure off… read on.
After recording our episode for the podcast, my wonderful mom Sherrill Douglass and I kept chatting for a bit around the notion of how helpful it is to remember to stay curious to understand. We talked about it in terms of relationships throughout the episode, but my mom said off the cuff to me later…
“We all have a hidden world inside of us to discover”
When she said it, I felt such a beautiful feeling come over me - why? Well let me ask you, dear readers, what are the implications of knowing this? What are the implications of knowing that every single one of us has a hidden world inside of us that has yet to be discovered? On one hand, it immediately gives me a feeling of hope for my own personal experience… that there is always more to come, more to learn about myself that will be revealed. No matter my age, no matter my circumstances, the hidden world inside of me will continue to show me more of what makes me feel alive - I feel this when I look at art or read poetry or listen to new music. When I’m discovering new cultures or working through the punches that life throws at me… that’s a real big one. Every time I walk through a big humdinger in life, such as my health, the health of my family, death, you know the events that shake you to your core - every time I walk through those I learn a hell of a lot more about my own needs, what’s important to me and what isn’t - those are the fast track events that help us discover more about our hidden world, but we don’t have to wait for the “bad stuff” to see this fact. And it makes life so rich to consider it. Our minds are so fickle with wanting to keep us identifying with the same beliefs about ourselves, then we adapt to these ideas of who we are and we become bored and wonder why. The same goes with the people in our lives - our minds take the liberty to slap labels on folks and then we wonder why we get bored in our relationships. There is so much more to be had!! There is so much more, forever and always, to discover about yourself and about the folks all around you. You can truly never know everything there is to know about someone. And the more you see this, the more room you’ll have, the more bandwidth you’ll experience inside of yourself to stay curious about your hidden world and the hidden world inside of others to then understand how you and they, click!
If by chance you happen to be reading this and it feels like a scary idea to go spelunking in the hidden world inside of yourself - I’d like to offer you the perspective that by nature, learning more about who you are at your core, is an incredibly freeing and natural experience. Any ideas you may have of it being terrifying is purely your mind giving you an unhelpful opinion. Many folks I work with have admitted that they haven’t looked in that direction before because they believed there were parts of themselves that they didn’t like and they had spent years trying to stuff them away or trying to avoid them. But every single time, with a little bit of understanding about how we filter our present moment through memories of the past, folks tend to see that those ideas of getting to know themselves being scary, stems from past experiences of feeling shame around who they are. And again, in this moment, if you want to, you can give yourself the permission to begin to discover the beautiful hidden world inside of you despite the opinions of the past that are loud in your brain. You can be gentle with yourself, take your time, you have your whole life ahead of you to play in that sandbox. There’s no rush. Because YOU aren’t going anywhere… your mind may go a million different ways, but YOU, are untouchable and just a gem cave waiting to be mined. And the more you discover your hidden gems and make those known to the world, the more you’ll find success in your relationships, your career and your peace of mind, because more and more you’ll make your outsides match your insides. In my mind, the very definition of living authentically.
And the more you stay open and curious about discovering the gems inside those around you, the more deep connection and love you’ll find in everyone you meet.
Sending love in all directions,
Jess
What do you think about this statement?
“When you’re married to an idea of who you’re supposed to be, you miss out on who you’re becoming”
What does that mean to you? I wish I could hear you, but at the very least I’m grateful to give you the opportunity to reflect on the question. Before I jump in I want to share with you a message I received on the hotline from Rabbi Mordechai, who’s episode was released just last week. He has a beautiful reflection to share and it’s fitting for the theme of today… (paraphrased for you here)
“We’re looking for a feeling that comes from observation, not from judgement… Like the difference between the love in our marriage and the love for our kids… a constant feeling of love without judgement… it comes from a different place… Follow the feeling that does not come from judgement because that comes from your stories…”
Why I thought it would be fitting to share Rabbi’s thoughts along with my opening statement, is because it all works together. When we’re married to an idea of who we are supposed to be, who our partner is supposed to be, who our friends or family members are supposed to be, we miss out on who we are becoming, who our partner is becoming, who our friends and family members are becoming. As Gerrick shared in his interview, he was so married to the dream of what his career was going to look like that once he had obtained that dream, he ended up staying in a job for far too long, not listening to the whispers from inside of him that the job wasn’t the right fit any longer. As Rabbi mentioned in his message, that’s where we can get mixed up. When we have an idea of what something is supposed to look like and we judge one way or another, we may feel somewhat of a feeling of satisfaction, but it’s empty - it doesn’t fill our bodies with a sensation of love or contentment, hope or excitement.
It is so important to wake up to this, to begin to learn what these genuine feelings that are implications of you listening to your truth, feel like in YOUR body. It’s absolutely human to get caught up in the shoulds and the supposed-to’s in our heads and I’m also not suggesting you stop aspiring to new heights for yourself or in your career or your relationships, but it’s a very different experience, in fact one that takes the pressure off, when we become present, when we lean into unconditional love for ourselves and see what comes forward from there. When we can use our imagination as guideposts for moving forward, but not being attached to expectations or outcomes.
As Albert Einstein said, “The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift.”
What a fantastic reminder for us all… me included. There’s a learning curve to not listening to the faithful servant in your mind as your source of truth and instead listening to your intuitive mind, your wisdom, the truth that is unique to you. But it isn’t impossible - it’s a delightful discovery I make over and over and over again.
Sending love in all directions and I’ll see you next week,
Jess
When was the last time you checked in with yourself to ask yourself what it is that you really want? I think if you’re like any other human being, you could give me an answer right away because we humans tend to have ourselves on our mind a lot of the time. But for the sake of this moment of reflection, I’m not interested in what you don’t want and I’m not especially interested in what you think you want or need. I’m interested in you giving yourself the time to sink into the quiet inside of you and see what bubbles up from your curiosity.
What is it that you really want?
Is it a deeper connection to yourself? A deeper connection to your partner or your friends? Would you like to trust yourself more? Would you like to not worry so much? Are you tired of the same old fears coming up and rueing the day?
It’s not often that we allow ourselves the time to reflect on these deeper needs because we’re so good at adapting to our ever-changing circumstances and tolerating things inside of ourselves not realizing that we actually have choice.
Oof. Tolerations.
Are there parts of yourself or beliefs that you have that you tolerate the consequences of? If you’re not sure right in this moment, that’s OK. It’s a deep question. As a dear client of mine recently said when I pointed out some behavior of hers that she’s learned to tolerate, she so honestly replied with, “It’s taken me a while to even get here to talk about it because I was so used to my old behaviors towards myself, that I couldn’t tell you that it was behaviors that I was tolerating. I thought they were just... me.”
Did that make you nod your head? I did when she said it because it is so true about the human condition. We get so used to our ways of doing things. We get so used to our habits of thought. We get locked in to ideas of what we think we want out of life or a career or ourselves that we stay focused on the idea as opposed to being present with what’s changing inside of us. As Teddy mentioned in the interview this week, it wasn’t until he realized that keeping up with the celebrity scene wasn’t getting him out of bed in the morning so to speak, that he assessed what he was doing with his life and started his journey inward to start asking himself these deeper questions I’m posing to you today.
I want to circle back to what I said earlier about not being especially interested in what you think you want or need. I want to clarify what I mean. We tend to have thoughts about things that we think we want or need outside of us because we innocently believe we need those things for our well being. And it’s a trick of the mind because you have your well being right now. You don’t need anything else to obtain it. It’s a judgement or an assessment if you will, from constantly looking outside of ourselves and believing we won’t be OK without x, y and z. It’s deeply important for me to share that with you because I recently woke up to some demons that have been living rent-free in my head that I thought I had cut out like the cancer they are, years ago. And that’s money fears. I’ve woken up to them before and I’ve seen how they were fears that didn’t belong to me, they were other people’s fears that I had absorbed. But they’d been rearing their ugly ahead again in the recent past and when I was kind of shocked to be feeling what I thought was an old thought system I had cut out, I had realized in hindsight that yes, my initial realization of my money fears had definitely changed my relationship to money, but because of those initial realizations, I hadn’t noticed that I was actually still tolerating a bunch of thinking around money.
For example, when I was really busy in my practice, I would entertain thoughts that it could all go away. And when it was quieter, because that’s the ebb and flow of business, I would entertain thoughts that I may not get more clients. All of them rooted in fear, none of them rooted in truth. It wasn’t until I realized I was tired of the dog and pony show inside my mind, and as I asked YOU earlier, I asked myself what is it that I really wanted? (Answer: to be free of the grip of these money stories), then I was reminded that I am the one in charge of my experience and I have the choice to stop identifying with them. It has been an incredible journey since for me, because I feel a deep peace.. but I will warn you from experience - when you’re done with old habits in your brain, and you begin to choose to not get caught up in them and stay in your peace instead? They will rear their ugly head... louder and louder. Almost as if they want you to believe you need them in order to avoid the fearful story they’ve created. The ultimate gaslighter. But what’s fabulous? Is when you know this, when you remember this conversation we’ve had today, you’ll see through it. All I ask is for you to have patience while you practice staying in your peace while you allow the noise to pass.
As Father Greg said last week, practice makes permanent, boy oh boy is that right on the money.
So, dear ones, what is it that you really want? What is it that you want to be free of? What are you tolerating that you can be done with? I so want your heart to be given the opportunity to rest, and you are absolutely capable of experiencing that.
Sending love in all directions and I’ll see you next week...
Jess
When do you feel love in your heart? What does it feel like? Is it a tingly sensation all over? Does it feel like relief? Does it feel warm? Does it feel like you’ve dropped into a peaceful place? Take a moment to reflect on that for me.
Now what do you suppose takes you away from that loving feeling? In conversation with Father Greg from Homeboy Industries on the podcast, he mentioned something that really hit me in the chest about his work - “How do you infuse hope in kids whom hope is foreign?“ It hit me because I have spoken with countless people who, although most haven’t come from tumultuous backgrounds such as gang life, feel as though love and therefore hope, IS foreign to them. In fact, how is it that I myself, coming from a very loving home, and a very privileged life when it comes to loving relationships, have experienced that sense of hope and love being foreign? Like they have gone missing? I feel a little shy saying it considering I have had resources and people in my life that equate to incredible privilege compared to many, but I know it’s a feeling that many of you can relate to, at some point or another in your life. And it makes me curious - knowing that we come into this world as a little ball of love and hope - which I’m sure you’ve felt when in the presence of a baby, you don’t have to take my word for it - it makes me curious…
How is it that we forget who we are?
For me personally, I know that when I’ve felt the depths of despair it’s because I’ve made up a future that scares the living hell out of me. I’ve made up a perspective of myself that isn’t rooted in truth. The world that I’ve created in my mind is absolutely terrifying and I’m living in it and experiencing it as if it IS truth. And the tricky thing about those terrifying times? We only see in life what enforces the current movie that’s playing in our mind, so a terrible cycle gets created in what we’re thinking and what we’re seeing. One reinforces the other.
We all have histories full of experiences that act as different notes of the music being played through our mind, but the theme I notice in us all is that when it comes to those periods of our life, however momentary or long, the love we have for ourselves becomes conditional.
Until we feel fulfilled by what we see in our lives, we must withhold love from ourselves.
Not until everything is in some arbitrary version of perfect - we abstain from allowing ourselves to drop into the essence of who we are - almost as if that abstaining is punishment for not getting it ‘right’ in life. And yet, the more we abstain, the more we avoid dropping into our true essence, the more gas we’re throwing on the fire that is the horrific movie in our mind that creates that cycle of illusory hell that we feel we can’t get out of.
So how do we break the cycle? I understand it can be hard to see who we are at our core when the noise in our mind is loud, I’ve been there. So here are some thoughts that are straight from Father Greg’s mouth yesterday that I won’t even attempt to say more succinctly (though I will comment throughout from my own peanut gallery)...
“Move beyond the mind that you have” (yes)
“Make friends with your wound or you’ll be tempted to despise the wounded” (and it goes without saying that if you haven’t made friends with your wounds, you will be tempted to despise yourself… as the wounded... as illustrated by everything I said earlier... ok, carrying on)
“The goal is not to be a stranger to yourself” (this seems so simple but a point that we so often miss because we’re caught up in running away from a falsified version of ourselves in our mind)
“Fall in love with being loving” (couldn’t have said it better)
“Practice makes permanent” (absolutely) and…
“Ventilate the world with tenderness” to which I would add ventilate your own pain, your own fear, the delusions you have of your life... with tenderness towards yourself. As Father Greg so beautifully put, “Love is like water to a very dry sponge and the moment of connection of water to sponge is tenderness.” And finally, as he shared from his experience of creating Homeboy Industries, “you can create a community that is transformational with dosing one another with love and tenderness”, and I believe you can create an environment inside of yourself that is transformational by dosing yourself with love and tenderness. With that, eventually, you will allow yourself to see from a deeper place, all that you are, more permanently, and the implications of that are infinite.
So how are you feeling now? Do a little scan for me... are you feeling a little lighter? Warm? Is that a bit of a smile peaking through? Ahhhhh... there you are. God I love being here with you.
Sending love in all directions and I’ll see you next week~
Jess
Last Sunday morning, I curled up on my couch with a big, cozy blanket, grabbed my cup of coffee that has become a Sunday treat, and a delicious almond croissant (did you know Trader Joe’s has croissants that rival a french bakery? They do… they’re in the freezer section of all places, but I highly encourage you to check them out). One of my favorite teachers, Elsie Spittle, had recently given a talk, so I pulled her up on my TV and settled in for an hour of bliss.
In the talk, Elsie said something that stuck with me. You know those moments when you hear something that you very well may have heard a million times before, but for whatever reason, this time it wakes you up inside?
“Your body is an expression of spirit.”
I couldn’t stop reflecting on how profound that awareness is. For a time, I think I had seen my body as a vessel for my spirit, separate from me. I didn’t disregard it for that reason, but it looked more like a task to take care of it from that perspective. It felt good to feed it well, it felt good to exercise to keep it healthy, but again, it felt separate from me. I hadn’t really noticed that I felt this way until I heard Elsie - “Your body is an expression of spirit” - in one fell swoop I felt a feeling of coming together of all of my parts. As if before I heard her, I saw myself only as the formless energy that is my spirit, the me that shines through my eyeballs, the me that people feel when in connection, but it made me feel so touched, even tender, to see the whole of me as an expression of my essence.
Upon my reflecting I realized something from a more pragmatic perspective as well. When we are lost in thought, when we are consumed with the script the story writer in our mind is telling us, our body reflects that back to us. I’ve shared this before, how our body is the greatest alert system for where we are in our head, but I’m seeing it deeper. What a gift, our body is. It is a constant mirror, reflecting back to us where we are in our state of mind. When we are suffering, when we are… I can’t think of a better word so I’ll say it again… consumed by the world we’re creating inside of ourselves, our body works with us in unison to let us know we’ve gotten off track. An analogy that comes to mind is our cars: If we see an alert on our dashboard that we need to get an oil change, that is a gift from the car saying, “Hey! I’m not functioning quite right anymore, do this then I’ll be working like new!” Without thinking twice, we know what we need to do. We may drive around with the light on as long as possible before we sense that it’s absolutely necessary to get the car fixed, but we respect the fact that we know it needs fixing in order to work well.
The same goes with our bodies.
What if we began to consider this for ourselves more consistently? Respecting our bodies as an expression of our spirit? What if when we began to get the alerts from our body - a tinge here, an inner pressure feeling there, a sore back here, a little dizziness there - what if when we got those signals we respected our spirit in the same way we do our cars? What would that look like for us as humans?
What comes up for me is that those signals are an opportunity to look at the mirror our body is holding up for us. We aren’t broken by nature. We aren’t in a constant state of dis-ease, by nature. So if when our spirit is free to express itself through this skin suit of ours, we feel relaxed and confident and at ease, or differently put, full of life and energy and charisma, whenever we feel we’ve gone away from those baselines, it’s an OPPORTUNITY to notice our state of mind and check in. I personally remind myself in these moments that I am willing to be uncomfortable while the thinking I’m in passes (because it will pass, it always does), then inquire (like taking the car to the mechanic), “What do I need right now?” I am always, always, always met with an answer which ranges from, “Get a drink of water” to “Stop kicking the can down the road” - it’s fascinating to me every single time and when I nurture that voice and honor it, I find myself back in flow, feeling my essence like a warm hearth in my core.
Because I have freed her from the trappings of my mind.
“Your body is an expression of spirit.”
Sending love in all directions,
Jessie
“Maybe it’s the ultimate act of self-love to be a spiritual activist FOR YOURSELF…”
This bubbled up the other day as I started out on a long overdue and much needed walk for fresh air. The Southern California rain had been encouraging a very introverted and introspective mood that was frankly quite low to begin with due to my hormones raging from switching up my birth control after 15 years. I had been really in my head about my next moves for work; What’s on the back burner, what’s ahead of me and brainstorming what I could do to move things forward. My thinking went from creative, exploratory, exciting to DOOM AND GLOOM. Isn’t it amazing how Thought can do that? One minute you’re in the middle of playing around in your thoughts as if you have every color of Play Doh and you’re curiously putting different sculptures together, breaking them apart, smooshing them into new shapes. Then all of a sudden the Play Doh weighs more, the beautiful bright colors are no longer and the dough isn’t pliable. You look down at a pile of rocks that are multiplying with each rock feeling really real, really heavy and really significant - aka DOOM AND GLOOM.
With my hormonal low mood, I already felt like I had a thick layer of green gas hanging around me 24/7 that I was fully aware I was looking at life through. I reminded myself on multiple occasions, even when I didn’t sense the green gas as much, to not take my gnarly thoughts seriously. My spiritual self had my human self’s back, so to speak. But who knows what happened on this particular day, the thought storm of Play Doh turned rocks was too heavy to handle. I reached into the ol’ goody bag of tools I have for these moments, also known as the only tool I have for these moments, and I asked myself OUT LOUD, “What do I need to do right now?” Wisdom always knocks with the answer and I was moved to go outside for a walk, and as always, it was exactly what I needed.
After getting outside, my perspective naturally came back and I could see where my thoughts went to hell without me noticing. You may already be a step ahead of me, but it was the moment I started to fall into the ol’ trap of needing to figure out things to do to move me forward faster in my work - whatever that even means. I say that because my own expectations and timelines are all made up, so who am I comparing myself to should I figure out something that would move me along faster? My own expectations? That again, are made up? I remembered all of this then AHA! What I know to be true, what is best for my well-being, is to TRUST the greater intelligence of life. TRUST that Universal Mind, the ever-flowing energy that is around me and within me, that my Wisdom is tapped into, will continue to nudge me forward via my gut instinct and when I heed it’s direction, everything unfolds EXACTLY the way it’s supposed to - beyond any of my wildest hopes or expectations. With my re-gained perspective came that delicious feeling of peace washing over me then there she was…
“Maybe it’s the ultimate act of self-love to be a spiritual activist FOR YOURSELF…”
It was so clear. To stay in the drivers seat of my thoughts, to remind myself that I can’t trust or believe the things going through my mind because my feelings coming from those thoughts were going to make me feel scared, anxious, fearful or just plain yucky - especially when I’m already in a low mood (from the hormones, but generally also from hunger, lack of sleep, hard day, etc etc) - is being an activist for my spiritual health to continue leading a soul-centered life. Like I said earlier, acting accordingly to what I know to be true about what’s going on in my mind when I feel like shit (aka nonsense that shouldn’t be paid attention to) is merely my spiritual self having my human self’s back. It’s like seeing the traffic on the freeway coming to a screeching halt from a distance so you make a quick decision to exit and take side streets to your destination.
So I say do it. Take the exit before the three car pile up. Be your own spiritual activist for a soul-centered life.
It’s the ultimate act in self-love. If you’ve ever been unsure how to have self-love, this is it, folks. Honoring what you know to be true, that Universal Mind HAS YOU, and it isn’t some airy-fairy, luck of the draw look at life. That it’s 100% my experience, as I’m sure you’ve experienced as well, that when you follow those inner nudges - your KNOWING inside - life flows and unfolds in a manner that can’t be described. Things always work out. So speak up for yourself! Talk to those very real looking thoughts and tell them you don’t want to believe them anymore and fall back into the lazy river of life that’s already flowing and pulling you forward!
Lastly, after having this insight I approached a staircase I needed to climb. I looked up at how many stairs there were and how steep they were, I took a deep breath in with my eyes closed, then with my first step on the first stair my inner voice, my Wisdom, said “Slow and steady.” I felt a zing of energy go from my toes through the crown of my head. I knew it meant much more than just climbing the stairs in front of me. I lifted my head in full gratitude with tears in my eyes and said, “Thank you.”
Here’s to you and your spiritual activism for your soul-centered life…
Here’s to us.
All my love,
Jessie
"He was an ambassador of the Soul"
It's true. My husband Mike hit the nail on the head when the tragic news of Anthony Bourdain ending his life flooded our social media feed.
Like many folks, Mike and I became fans of Anthony Bourdain during his "No Reservation" days - loving his raw, honest, sometimes rough (always tell-it-like-it-is), completely heart-connecting way of being. He opened our eyes to different cultures, he made us excited about the potential to follow his footsteps in our future travels, spotlighting completely pedestrian yet delicious diamond-in-the-rough places to eat. Screw the reviews from hoity toity know-it-all food critics, if the meal was delicious, that's all that mattered. Whether it be from street carts to a hut in the middle of the Amazon, dumpling houses to finding out what your neighbor is REALLY GOOD at making, connection was Bourdain's mission and food was his love language.
Observing the outpouring of love for this tower of a human being after his passing made me realize something pretty huge and profound about his purpose. He made each and every one of us feel like his friend, like we were the only ones getting in on these secret, divey, hole in the wall eateries all over the world. He opened our eyes to the politics, misgivings and misrepresentations of so many different cultures - and the way he showed us through his gift of revealing and honest conversation made us feel like we had a seat at the table or around the campfire; We were his personally invited company to each of his adventures. He asked the hard questions and because of his incredible deep listening skills, curiosity and open heart, humanity was revealed in every individual he was breaking bread with.
I don't think I will ever forget his recent venture to West Virginia for CNN's "Parts Unknown" that literally left me in tears. With judgements that I didn't even realize I had, until he unveiled his own and I saw my reflection in him, to witness the duality of this extremely open-hearted culture of kind human beings with staunch beliefs that would normally make the hair on the back of my neck stand straight up; Again, the conversations, the connection, his willingness to hear their perspectives and to share why his and my progressive world can't stomach them, was an art. When he asked why this previously very democratic state voted red for the most "city-slicker, anti working-man, 3x married president," they earnestly answered: because they didn't feel heard in the plight of coal-mining. They were told by the left that their jobs would be lost when most don't have anything but 7 generations of coal-mining history behind them with no higher education. Alternately, Bourdain ingeniously then asked, "Would you tell your kids to work in the mines?" and the response was a collective "NO" - he looked for the gap, so we could see the gap. The understanding and humanity was felt. These are good people who see the argument of the environmental problem with coal-mining but don't feel like they have any other way to turn, so with every last penny earned they will send their kids to college with the pride of a black-smudged dime.
This was the Bourdain we knew, the feeling we held for him when we brought him up over dinner with friends. His heart extending beyond himself to others, to have empathy, to see, feel and make US feel, that we are all one - in search of a delicious soul-hugging meal. As I was reminded by his dear friend Helen Rosner in her beautifully written tribute in the New Yorker, Bourdain was effortlessly honest with his audience about the shadows of his depression as well.
In a 2016 episode of “Parts Unknown,” set in Buenos Aires, he held an on-camera therapy session. “I will find myself in an airport, for instance, and I’ll order an airport hamburger,” he says, lying on a leather couch. “It’s an insignificant thing, it’s a small thing, it’s a hamburger, but it’s not a good one. Suddenly, I look at the hamburger and I find myself in a spiral of depression that can last for days.”
I know what the beginning of this spiral feels like, as I'm sure you do. That triggering thought or that triggering experience that begins the thoughts that lead you to your habitual thinking that feels 6 feet deep. I don't care if you're experiencing depression for the first time, if you feel like you just deal with 'low days,' or if you find yourself under so many layers of chaotic thinking that you can't even remember how to breathe - any whirlwind in your mind that leads you to feel like the ground is literally no longer beneath you and that your inner compass won't stop spinning, can make you feel lost in the most profound of ways, I've been there.
To this day I can feel the flutter of those triggering thoughts arise, like when you feel like you're about to hiccup... Before I actually have the thought that can send me down a spiral or into a storm, I sense it first... like the hiccup. This is the energy of Thought - this is the gift of Thought - this is the principle of Thought - this is where the power of understanding Thought can change your life. When I read the news about Bourdain, I literally yelled "NO!" out loud, before fact checking the internet. I couldn't believe what I was reading. As soon as I saw that his death was confirmed, I was thrown into a complete and utter sadness that overwhelmed me for the rest of the day. Why? Because I wish I was there to speak with him, I wish he knew what I know.
What do we always say about people who are, or have considered, ending their life? They have suicidal thoughts... read that again... they have suicidal thoughts. As a culture, we are innocently calling out the issue without recognizing that the answer is right in front of us. The energy of Thought is transitory, it doesn't EVER stop, and the quality of our thinking goes up and down all day, every day. We, as humans, have the gift of turning that formless energy (that feeling that I sense when my depressive thoughts are on the horizon like the feeling of a hiccup), into FORM (pictures in our mind). It is literally the superpower of our personal thinking minds - WE are the thinkers, WE create those pictures. Imagine stepping outside and feeling a beautiful breeze surrounding you, and you reach out to grab the breeze then open your palm to reveal sand - like magic, you grabbed the formless but energetic air and turned it into something. That is what we do as thinkers. We take the energy of Thought and turn into the form of pictures in our mind.
By way of the principle of Consciousness (awareness), these pictures become VERY REAL to us because our feelings come from our thinking 100% OF THE TIME - no exception. It doesn't matter what your circumstances outside of you are, you are feeling your thinking every moment of every day. You are creating your outside reality by way of your inside thinking, and being aware of this, is the gift of Consciousness. So as you can imagine when you are in the middle of a thought storm, with so many thoughts that you can't even keep up with how fast they're firing in your mind, you feel like you can't breathe, you feel like you're not worthy, you feel like the love you receive from others isn't real, you feel like the world is closing in on you - that is your body telling you that you are believing your thinking that ISN'T REAL. It isn't true for you. Plain and simple. And when we are honoring ourselves, when we have the understanding that our thinking can be taken less seriously when it makes us feel like shit - those moments where we think we can't take it anymore and need to do something about it, we know we have the choice to sit it out. We choose to call a friend, a partner, a loved one, knowing that this current reality is not permanent. It will pass. Because it is an energy that is constantly shifting and will most definitely autocorrect to a neutral and peaceful state, with time. Or rather, the moment you choose to live a different reality.
I understand if this seems like I've over-simplified a state of being that seems much more complex - but it isn't. The difference between you being in a low mood this morning and naturally being lifted out of it versus Anthony Bourdain is the layers and layers of thinking that is being believed so that it doesn't feel like there's a way out. Spiritually, the more shitty thinking that is believed, the more habitual it is (and this can go on for YEARS), the emptier the self-love cup. When we've believed lies that we tell ourselves in our own little reality, we find evidence in our life to support it, then we feel justified in our thinking and our light shines a little less than it did before. And the smaller we feel, the lower our mood, the more we believe our thinking, the more we can't pull ourselves out if it. But it all starts with the above understanding. Simple but not easy sometimes, and I understand. I've been there. I haven't been to the end of my rope, but I've experienced the dizzyness that begins to make you feel like you're crazy and you can't cope. There is ALWAYS a voice inside that will tell you what to do instead, telling you what you need to come back to a peaceful place - this is your wisdom. It is with you all of the time. But it's like a quiet flute being played behind the band of the shitty thinking, and the band needs to be turned down to hear it.
The nature of energy is to flow. That's all Thought is. So maybe it'll take you talking out loud to your shitty thinking and saying "Oh, hello again," to put distance between you and the pictures. But having this understanding will at least give you the opportunity to see that you always have the freedom to choose your next thought; The freedom to choose your next action. You're not at will of the freeloading thought turds that are floating in the beautiful abyss that is your mind. Knowing that you have the power to create your own reality through the lens of whatever thinking you're believing at any moment in time, allows the triggering, depressive thinking to melt away. And just this awareness in itself will begin to shift your thinking, which shifts your feelings, which shifts your behaviors. It's an amazing experience.
When Bourdain passed, all of this information was swirling around my mind. I was desperate to write a post for social media, but I couldn't think of a way to concisely share my tribute along with my outrage for how many lives could be saved by knowing a simple understanding. If you're reading this and you've considered ending your life or still consider doing so now - please know that you have a purpose that is meant to be shared, and if you don't feel that right now, it's because the noise in your head is too loud to hear it. But it's there. It may take time to quiet the band upstairs, but like anything worth doing, the reward on the other side is living your life in your truest form while being able to help others understand themselves like you have learned from your own battle.
In closing, astronaut Scott Kelly's tribute to Bourdain took the words right out of my mouth...
"... I watched his show when I was in space. It made me feel more connected to the planet, it's people and cultures and made my time there more palatable. He inspired me to see the world up close."
Tony, thank you for conquering your battles as often as you did. Thank you for not allowing them to keep you from us, because what brings me peace is knowing that you knew on some gut level that you were touching lives and changing them for the better. How lucky are we that you won that battle as long as you did. I always had a feeling I'd meet you one day and give you the biggest hug as appreciation for all that you taught me...
Until we meet again...
All my love and see you next week~
Jessie
Anthony Bourdain
